I was asked that question on Het Kwartier, the VRT NWS podcast. It keeps coming back, and for good reason. Women still earn less than men, especially in management positions. So it is tempting to look for the cause in the negotiation itself, and in the women sitting at the table.
My short answer is no. Women are not worse negotiators than men. The cause runs deeper than skill. You can hear my full answer in the episode, and VRT NWS also published an article on our conversation. In this post, I would like to take the thinking one step further.
“Just ask for more” is too easy
One piece of advice comes up again and again: women should simply ask for a higher salary. I understand the intention behind it, but I find it too easy, especially when we then penalize women for the very assertiveness we asked of them.
Harvard research shows that women who negotiated their salary were seen as more demanding and less likable than women who did not. That social penalty was stronger for women than for men. Decisiveness, self-confidence and assertiveness are read differently depending on who shows them. What we call leadership in a man, we are quick to call aggressive in a woman.
What we call leadership in a man, we are quick to call aggressive in a woman.
Katia Tieleman
If you expect that reaction, you may think twice before asking for a raise. Or you may ask for less than you are worth. That is not because you lack the skill. It is because you have learned what the step might cost you.
The system behind the gap
This is where the underlying system shows. If pay policy mainly rewards the people who start the conversation themselves, a difference in who dares to ask quickly turns into a pay gap.
A manager can sincerely believe that everyone gets the same chance. Yet learned expectations make that step harder for women. Men are not the only ones who hold those expectations: women can judge other women by them too. These patterns are largely unconscious. That is exactly why they persist, and why it makes little sense to blame individual women for them.
The picture changes when women negotiate on behalf of others: a team, a family, an organization. In those situations, women often do as well as men or better. The skill is there. What differs is the space we give women to use it for themselves.
What organizations can do
Companies did not create these patterns on their own. But they do shape how much those patterns weigh in their pay decisions.
Employers can, for example:
- Make clear in advance which contributions and responsibilities justify a raise.
- Review the pay of all employees against those criteria at fixed moments, including the people who never asked for a raise.
- Make transparency the norm, so that what is negotiable is no longer a guessing game.
That last point matters. When standards and expectations are clear, men and women achieve comparable results. The gap grows in ambiguous situations, where it is unclear what is on the table and who may ask for what. The European Pay Transparency Directive will help make pay decisions easier to see into. But a directive alone does not change habits. That takes conscious choices, one decision at a time.
What it asks of all of us
Change also asks something of each of us. Give a woman who negotiates firmly about her salary the same space you would give a man, without holding it against her personally. Notice your own reflexes when someone at the table pushes harder than you expected. Then ask yourself whether you would react the same way if someone else were sitting across from you.
In the NQ® model, we see negotiation as a matter of habits and mindset, not just techniques. That applies to the person asking for a raise. It applies just as much to the person deciding on it, and to the organization that shapes the playing field where they meet.
Curious to go deeper?
- Listen to the episode of Het Kwartier, the VRT NWS podcast, on vrt Max.
- Read the VRT NWS article on our conversation.
🎧 Listen to the full episode on Spotify
